the photine blog

Freaking Out

This is a brain dump.  I'm just writing and doing very little editing for content, clarity or rationality.  Keep that in mind.

Starting to freak out about my Panama trip.  It suddenly occurred to me tonight that I need shots. I'll call the doctor's office in the morning, but I am terrified of doctors and doctor's visits. Having to go to the doctor makes me cry, but I was already emotionally on edge.

I finally found someone to look after my kitty.  I was so relieved that I almost started crying, because although I trust this person, I am truly worried about being so far away from my kitty. If anything were to happen I wouldn't be able to do anything about it and I probably wouldn't even be able to find out about it in a timely manner.  I am such an  über connected person that it is hard to think about being disconnected for 6 days.

In fact being disconnected is freaking me out too.  I'm addicted to my iPhone, to having internet all the time, to having access to information.  I know many would say this is your time to disconnect and enjoy your travels and meeting your family, but I never said these freak out feelings were rational or right.  Just what they are.

This doesn't even begin to cover things like not having the appropriate clothes for the tropical climate and not having the money to buy new things.  Or not learning Spanish because work has been killing me and if I didn't give myself a break on the weekends I would have found myself on the top of clock tower.  I was very close a few weeks ago to sinking completely from the stress.  But of course I'm upset at myself because I haven't made progress on the Spanish.

I am so stressed at work and I know that I won't have a real break until December and that thought makes me a little hysterical too.  This trip will not be relaxing or peaceful.  I am not a people person so the idea of having to be "on" for six days with a whole group of people that I don't know and a group of people where I don't even speak their language is exhausting just to think about, let alone go through.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the opportunity.  This is just an overwhelming experience that I'm about to go through and I am already a basket of unmedicated anxieties and worries. This is my brain dump to get some of this stuff out of my head.  Now to try to get some sleep.  I haven't told you about the high anxiety I have about a social event I have to go to tomorrow night.  So many anxieties, so little time.

Time, time, time

My poor neglected blog.  I usually don't like it when people put up blog posts about why they aren't writing and promising that they will get back to it.  I feel that no one needs to apologize if they aren't writing and they certainly shouldn't make promises about a new writing schedule if they can't keep it.  Yet here I am lamenting my poor neglected blog.

I hope one day work will calm down, but it looks like it won't be this week.  I found myself up there until 7:30 last night and I'm starting to wonder if I will ever catch up.  I regularly work 12 hour days.  I'm not sure if it is because my schedule is different this year, or if I'm just not being efficient.  I feel like I'm really trying to do a better job and stay on top of things this year, trying to be more accountable and more creative, yet it is causing me these crazy hours.  And region rehearsals start Wednesday so my mornings and afternoons will be gone. Sigh.  

Since I only have an hour or two at home in the evenings before I'm supposed to go to sleep my cooking has totally fallen apart.  I haven't been to the grocery store!  I'm resistant about going to the grocery store on the weekends, but I guess I'm really going to have to change my thinking and do that because I don't want to eat out all the time.  Along with cooking, my poor bike and my Spanish lessons have taken a hit as well as time to visit my Flickr and photoblog contacts. 

I'm weird (you knew that already right).  I have all these grand schemes about schedules.  I think if I just set up a schedule then everything will be all right.  This day will be grocery store day, this one blogging day, this one cleaning day.  I have this belief that if I just schedule everything then I'll have time for everything.  The problem is I don't follow my own schedule.  I do it for a week then promptly fall off the schedule wagon.  I seriously need some help figuring out how to organize my increasingly busy life.  I'm starting to feel like I'm in danger of drowning.

Evening Thoughts

So I owe you a post on Cabaret which I saw last night.  That will be coming soon (hopefully).  I've been working the last week on Assignment: Houston which now has a blog to go with it.  I should write about that too.  Maybe.  I could write about how I now have Ovation and I'm very happy about it.  Or how much I like the friends I have surrounded myself with recently and how I'm scared to enter the Houstonist photo show because last time it started the snowball rolling into what was my hellish year and a half where I lost a good many friends. Not that it is the fault of the show, but once burned twice shy.  But all I can think of right now is how my bottom is very sore from riding my bike.  

Saturday

I've been neglectful of this blog lately, I know. It just doesn't seem like anything interesting is happening and I'm usually too tired to try to form complete sentences. I said recently on Twitter that my twitters were so boring because my life was so boring. Sad but true. It revolves around work right now and I never had much social life to speak of anyway.

I would have thought that canceling our concert would have made things easier, but it really hasn't. With a concert/contest or other performance we have a clear and definite goal and deadline in mind. Without it the classes seem unfocused and out of sorts. I stayed very late at work last night (like 8 pm ..... yes on a Friday, ugh!) trying to reorganize myself. I ran across some papers that showed me how on top of things I was before Ike. Lesson plans, concert programming, paperwork. I was on top of everything. Ever since Ike it has been playing catch up and just trying to fly by. I hope last night's late session will help me get back on track. My students have an individual contest coming on November 1st. I'm pushing myself pretty hard for that turning every work day into a minimum of ten hours. I hope I can hold it together two more weeks before having a break down. My stress levels at work are pretty high right now.

One casualty of that showed up this morning. Horrible, HORRIBLE, crick in my neck. It hurts and I can't turn very well to the right. My Flickr group is having a meet-up this afternoon so that should make walking around taking pictures an interesting exercise. I'm going to be like some robot that can only look forward and has to turn their whole body to adjust positions. Part of me finds it comical, the other part of me says ouch.

Oh and one final thing. I joined Goodreads to see if it will help kick start my reading. I've been thinking about it a lot since my last post on Series. I see that it is going to be very easy to start adding books to my to-read list and that is a good thing (or bad depending on my wallet).

http://www.goodreads.com/profile/laanba

Snippets

Brain dump! Brain dump! Brain dump!

This is sad.

The hat from iFest may not be viable. It has a canvas crown and my head feels really hot under there. I used a different hat today and I think that one is better.

There was nothing restful about this weekend. Friday I was hot all day at Splashtown. Saturday I was hot all day at Art Car festivities and Sunday I was hot part of the day with a Heights walking tour.

Hey, it's hot!

Saturday rocked anyway because I got to spend it with Randy!

I got a new lens and I think I may love it. I haven't looked at the photos yet so I'll let you know. This is my first real lens purchase because I'm way too poor to be a photographer. What the hell was I thinking taking up this hobby.

This has made me sad. I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it through gracefully when I am faced with the same issues. And I wish I wouldn't think about it.

Going to use the rest of my rebate to get a laptop bag. Want another lens, but I actually need a bag for my new Macbook.

I always told myself in my head that I would be more aggressive about my photography once I got this lens which should shoot well in low light. Now's the time. Let's see if I follow through on my random thoughts.

Wish I could live in a sweet little Heights bungalow.

Reading Inkheart and looking forward to The Eyre Affair and Here There Be Dragons. Getting on a reading kick just in time for summer. Awesome.

My apartment is shameful.

Way behind on emails. I'll catch up soon (I hope!)