Freaking Out

This is a brain dump.  I'm just writing and doing very little editing for content, clarity or rationality.  Keep that in mind.

Starting to freak out about my Panama trip.  It suddenly occurred to me tonight that I need shots. I'll call the doctor's office in the morning, but I am terrified of doctors and doctor's visits. Having to go to the doctor makes me cry, but I was already emotionally on edge.

I finally found someone to look after my kitty.  I was so relieved that I almost started crying, because although I trust this person, I am truly worried about being so far away from my kitty. If anything were to happen I wouldn't be able to do anything about it and I probably wouldn't even be able to find out about it in a timely manner.  I am such an  über connected person that it is hard to think about being disconnected for 6 days.

In fact being disconnected is freaking me out too.  I'm addicted to my iPhone, to having internet all the time, to having access to information.  I know many would say this is your time to disconnect and enjoy your travels and meeting your family, but I never said these freak out feelings were rational or right.  Just what they are.

This doesn't even begin to cover things like not having the appropriate clothes for the tropical climate and not having the money to buy new things.  Or not learning Spanish because work has been killing me and if I didn't give myself a break on the weekends I would have found myself on the top of clock tower.  I was very close a few weeks ago to sinking completely from the stress.  But of course I'm upset at myself because I haven't made progress on the Spanish.

I am so stressed at work and I know that I won't have a real break until December and that thought makes me a little hysterical too.  This trip will not be relaxing or peaceful.  I am not a people person so the idea of having to be "on" for six days with a whole group of people that I don't know and a group of people where I don't even speak their language is exhausting just to think about, let alone go through.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the opportunity.  This is just an overwhelming experience that I'm about to go through and I am already a basket of unmedicated anxieties and worries. This is my brain dump to get some of this stuff out of my head.  Now to try to get some sleep.  I haven't told you about the high anxiety I have about a social event I have to go to tomorrow night.  So many anxieties, so little time.

Comments

[Kell]

I give you love and hugs.

[laanba]

Thank you. I need them.