the photine blog

Blog Here, Blog There

I'm back from Panama.  I had an amazing time.  I was asked if I got some closure with my father.  No. Instead of closure I got amazing new beginnings not just with him, but with my wonderful family and even more importantly the beautiful country of Panama.  I adore it.  I will be doing daily write-ups eventually.

While I was gone I posted at Posterous.  You can see the posts here.  It was so easy.  Thinking back I can do most of the same things here at Typepad so I'm not exactly sure why I didn't.  I do like the way I can send short Twitter like messages by email over there.  I wish there was a way to integrate that here so I can have a record of my thoughts on important things like this.  I'm going to leave that page up, but think about how I want to integrate things like this in the future with my blog.   

Many times I have thought about setting up various blogs on the journal side and the photoblog side, but in the end I am always turned off by the idea of splintering my voice.  I've even tried it several times, always with the result of closing the blogs down.  Things are disjointed enough as it is with my blog, photoblog, Twitter and Flickr.  I could direct people to things like Friendfeed, but I really don't want to do that.  So even though Posterous was easy I don't want to start yet another blog.  Sigh.  These are the things I agonize over.  Gah.  I'm such a blog geek.

Chicago Food

If you slogged through all my Chicago posts (and I know some of you did) I finally put up pictures of the meals that I ate while I was there.  Click through each imagine to see the larger version.

    

   

Six days

I used to think about what it would be like to go to Panama.  I always imagined myself taking a cruise ship through the Panama Canal.  Having that one day stop over where I would see the country where I was born, making a half hearted attempt to find someone that was related to me.  I imagined that by the time I ever got the money or the courage to visit that my father may well have passed on and I would really have no leads or connections. It was always a bittersweet image in my head.

Yet here I am six days from Panama.  I can scarcely believe it.  For a long time I've been ignoring this trip.  In my mind Chicago came first and I told myself I would worry about Panama later. Then school came and it has hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have been barely treading water for months.  I made small little steps like getting a passport and picking up a travel book here and there.  I made a stab at learning Spanish, but I'm sorry to say that failed miserably due in part to the aforementioned bricks.  

Six days.  Suddenly after my big competition last weekend Panama has jumped to the forefront of my thoughts.  Suddenly I realized that I had nothing to wear, no good shoes, no idea what I was supposed to pack or what I was supposed to be getting ready.  And the countdown clock ticks ever lower.

I think part of me doesn't really believe I'm going.  It doesn't seem real.  Today at lunch I was looking up Panamanian food and found a good website that had not only a food write up, but several different articles on things to see and what to expect.  And for a brief fleeting moment I got excited. I was going!  I was going to be there!  And then that feeling rushed away and it was back to not feeling real.  The only emotion I know for sure is the sick feeling in my stomach that I get when I think of leaving my cat.  A co-worker is looking after her, but I'm still very upset about it.  I keep that upset mostly bottled up.  I'm sure that this is just my own personal brand of crazy that I usually keep contained.  I remind myself that I have left her before and it will be ok.  But still that swooping feeling.  That feeling also appears when I think of the airplane flight. It is only 4 hours, but in my brain staying up in a plane for four hours seems impossible.  

Tick, tick, tick goes the countdown clock.  I keep asking myself, when will it feel real?  When will it really feel like I'm going?  When I'm going to be happy about it instead of anxious and nervous. I'm guessing in six days.

Small Steps

Remember my photo mojo problem?  As I was explaining to a friend I feel like I'm taking the same photos over and over again. Part of it is the type of photography that I do.  I don't do studio work, macro work or portraiture.  I'm not interested in those areas. I like being out and about in the city with my camera.  Yet after the second, third, fourth time I'm at the same event or location I feel like I'm just taking variations of the same picture.  I don't feel like I have a fresh perspective on things.  But I like going to these events and I like taking my camera so something else has to change.

I have been considering taking my toy cameras (Holga, Diana, Vivitar Ultra Wide & Slim) as my primary camera to events.  Using film will force me to slow down and think about the photos before I take them.  There is, at least in my mind, a certain type of subject and point of view that seems to fit film cameras that is different than the digital.  I would need to learn to see in a different way and that is the challenge.  I could go to my old events and locations with new eyes.  I even bought a new film scanner so I don't have to get prints made of everything.  So everything's in place right?

The theory is sound, but the idea of not having my digital makes me uncomfortable.  I'm afraid of missing out on something.  I know part of that is just my resistance to change, but I must say it is a pretty strong compulsion.  I like to imagine myself a year from now being like those amazing film photographers I admire, the ones whose blogs and Flickr streams are works of art. But the idea of being someone else, of leaving my comfort zone, of not knowing what the future is going to be like scares me.  Not to mention how little I really know about film or actual camera techniques for that matter.  I would have to start learning about some of this stuff and that has always been a mental road block in the past.  I just want to go out and take pictures and not have to think about the technical side.  That's one reason I was attracted to the Holga in the first place.

So I'm going to try doing small steps, something that I'm terrible at.  Terrible.  I'm the kind of person that sees all the future paths from a single action.  Or at least the kind of person that thinks she does.  This is definitely one of the reasons I'm still single.  I'm not good at just letting things happen naturally. I over analyze everything into future paralysis.  But I'm really going to try, I really am.  I made a compromise for the airshow.  I took my Vivitar one day and Diana the next and used those to take photos around the static displays.  I also took my digital and used that for photos of the performances.  I think it was a good start.  

Go with the flow.  Don't look too far down the road.  Small steps.

Hometown

So here is a question.  What is your hometown?  When I hear the term hometown I think of it as the town that people grew up in, so for me my hometown is Harlingen.  But what about the city that I currently live in?  Is that also my hometown?  Can you have two hometowns?  Sometimes I want to brag on my hometown of Houston, but then I hesitate.  Is Houston really my hometown?

I know that I can call it anything I want, but I'm curious as to what you think of when you hear the term hometown.  And where are you living currently?  What do you call it?

P.S.  Obviously if you are currently living in the town you grew up in you are excused from this discussion.

P.P.S.  If this post doesn't make any sense blame the complete high that I am on from a perfect air show weekend.

This Weekend

Blue Angels right above our heads on my friend Mike's deck
Originally uploaded by karmafiend.

I am excited! I am going to see the Blue Angels for the first time since I was a little kid. That's right people, it is air show weekend, my most favorite time of the year.

I've been wondering the last few years if I am getting too old for the air show schedule that I set for myself. The idea of getting up early both Saturday and Sunday and spending 8-9 hours out there makes me tired. I'm not getting any younger you know! But the thought of missing even a moment of the air show or cutting back my schedule is unthinkable. And that air show excitement is starting to creep into my system as I see tweets about the Blue Angels practicing and I see photos like this one.

Here's to a beautiful weekend!

The Neverending Story

Will this killer year never get better?!?  12 hour days all the time.  Aaarrrrghhh!

Actually I think things will get a lot better after next weekend.  I have a competition with my students and I have had rehearsals every morning at 7:30 and every afternoon until 4:30 since the first week in September.  If you have to do stuff after work then that pushes it really far.  I'm tired of getting ready for this contest, but this is the final push.  One more week!

Yesterday was the only day I really had a chance to go home early, but instead I stayed very late (9:00 p.m.) at work to get caught up on things.  I think that will actually make things easier not only for the rest of this week, but for next week as well.  I hope so.  I just have to make it through next Saturday and I think I'll be ok.  Please, please let me be ok otherwise this school year is going to kill me.

At Peace

I had one of the best days I've had in a long time today and I'm not exactly sure why.  I don't want to analyze it to closely for fear of destroying the gossamer threads that hold it together but my curiosity is getting the better of me.

It could be like someone mentioned on my mojo photo that the cooler air really does make a difference.  When you go from 90s to 60s/70s you really notice it.  Everyone has a spring in their step and a smile on their face.  This is perfect weather.

It could be the stress of school is finally starting to ease somewhat.  If that is it then it definitely is only a temporary sensation because Region auditions are around the corner and another concert will soon be upon me.  But the fall concert is done, the school year is finally under way and I don't think I'll have to work many 12 hour days the next few weeks.  Notice I didn't say I wouldn't work any, just not as many as I have been.

I spent the day doing what I love to do.  Little errands and trips around the city.  I ate my meal for the day on the patio of Goode Co Taqueria.  I went to the museum  to see the Terra Cotta Warriors before they head off to their next destination.  I walked around the rose garden at Hermann Park.  I went to Domy Books and wandered around an antique store in the Montrose.  I stopped at the Kirby & Alabama intersection for some photos for Swamplot.  I went to Central Market.  I photographed a new toy friend.  It was fun.

So I'm not sure exactly what happened today.  Clean apartment?  That helps.  Cool air.  That helps.  Recharged by the city?  Possibly.  Getting alone time?  Maybe.  Who knows.  All I know is that I really needed to have a good day like today.  I can honestly say at this very moment, I'm happy.

Passages

The less said about last week the better.  It was my "several times a year" allergy misery.  At these times I think that all those years of allergy medications and doctor's visits have done NOTHING. But in the end I don't actually get a sinus infection and after a miserable week like the one I just had I come out of it and I have to realize that there is progress.  I used to get really sick with infections more than once a year and now I just get these bad weeks.  Still it doesn't make them any fun especially because I come home, eat my take out food (because who has the time or energy to shop or cook when you are sick), and go to bed.  My apartment looks like, well, I'm not telling you.  Let's just say, bad. 

Something else that is bothering me that is completely unrelated.  I used to read books.  I was so proud to be a reader and I could never understand non-readers and now I'm one of them.  I can't seem to finish a book anymore and it has been like this for many, many months.  Actually almost a year.  I try and try, but I can't seem to get my reading groove back.  Maybe it is hanging out with my photography groove on a beach somewhere.  So do you have any ideas?  Maybe links to something I can read online that will give me an idea of how to get my groove back? There is this article, but right now I can't seem to follow it.  Each time I think I'll get it back by starting fresh with a new book. My nightstand is piled high with half started books that were supposed to kick start my reading again. Books I can't seem to finish.  I know the answer is something like turn off the TV, close the laptop, hide the iPhone, but I can't seem to follow through.  I need some help with the follow through.

Chicago Done

Almost exactly three months later I am finally finished editing my Chicago photos. Wow, was that a lot more of a chore than I thought it would be.  I have a feeling I won't be taking as many pictures in Panama at least in terms of photos per day.  The architecture and my love of big cities just made my camera go snap happy.  Everywhere I looked I saw something I wanted to document.  

The largest chunk of photos was what I waited last to work on and that was Millennium Park and Cloudgate.  Oh how I love Cloudgate.  If I lived there I would be at that park all the time and photographing that sculpture in all kinds of light and weather.  

It will still take a few months for everyone to see all my Chicago stuff because I will be alternating Chicago posts with other stuff that is going on.  And I guess if I was honest with myself I have a few more photos on my iPhone that I need to edit, but that won't take long.  

The final tally was 1331 photos taken and 446 made the final cut.  Whew!